Frankly, I have neither the cash nor the time to go hunting around for deals on turtle doves or ladies dancing, not to mention the legal concerns about purchasing eight maids-a-milking.
It turns out our area has plenty of options for great gifts without breaking the bank even if you want to go all out for 12 days.
For example, why spend an estimated $420 on a partridge in a pear tree when Sibenthalers in Dayton, Berns Garden Center in Middletown, and Cappellio’s Country Gardens in Springfield all offer gift cards and $50 will get that gardener on your list a nice pair of gardening gloves or a plant?
Credit: Marshall Gorby
Credit: Marshall Gorby
I really don’t want two turtle doves flying around the house, especially when the going rate is $375 each! Know what I would like? A box of chocolate turtles from Dayton-based Esther Price. Boxes range from $20 to $100. Let’s settle on a nice gift package for $50.
Not sure what the obsession with birds as gifts was, but there’s no way in today’s market that I’m shelling out $346 for French hens. I will, however, be happy to fork over $50 for a gift certificate to the Blueberry Cafe in Kettering for French toast and sides.
Credit: Nick Graham
Credit: Nick Graham
Not that I have anything against birds, mind you. But $600 for four calling birds is nuts when I can see bald eagles for free at Carillon Park. Since the authorities would likely frown upon me catching one and giving it as a gift, I’ll pick up a $50 gift card to the Carillon Park Museum Store or better yet simply purchase a T-shirt, magnet or some Wright Brothers merch.
Of course it’s impossible to get through this time of year without spending a little money, and gold is gold. The PNC Christmas Price Index says five gold rings will cost $1,649.90 this year, up 32.5% from last year. Who am I to argue? Hopefully the sales people at Marlyn Jewelers in Dayton can find me a better deal. Plus I’ll score big points with the gift of gold.
Geese, on the other hand. Unless they’re laying golden eggs, I want no part of them. Except their feathers. In a down coat. $400 at Cabela’s or Dick’s Sporting Goods will get me a really nice outer layer plus some outdoor equipment to go with it, all for less than the $930 the hissing birds would cost.
Alright, if we’re going to insist on animal gifts, why limit ourselves to seven swans-a-swimming? Especially when their estimated cost is over $13,000? For that we should get lions and tigers and red pandas and a Komodo dragon. A short drive south to the Cincinnati Zoo or north to the Columbus Zoo offers all of that, with memberships around $162 and $235 respectively.
Maids-a-milking is about the only thing on the PNC list I can actually afford because the only expense associated with them is the federal minimum wage of $7.25, bringing them in at $58 for an hour’s work. I do not think that would make a very good present, and I’d rather give a $50 gift card to Young’s Jersey Dairy where an hour can be spent playing miniature golf, riding the carousel and eating ice cream.
Wrapping nine ladies dancing is a chore I simply will not do. I will, instead, purchase two tickets to a show by the Dayton Performing Arts Alliance Ballet. Prices rang from $5 to $183. Two tickets at the average cost of $94 will be $188, and they’ll fit in an envelope.
Credit: David Jablonski
Credit: David Jablonski
And forget 10 leaping lords who will cost more than $16,000. I’ll take five leaping on the floor, five sitting on the bench, and two tickets to a University of Dayton or Wright State University men’s basketball game. Average price for two tickets to either school, about $200.
Eleven pipers will not fit under my tree, I can tell you that right now. I will, however, fit in a seat at the Benjamin and Marian Schuster Performing Arts Center for a performance by the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra. Two tickets for nice seats, $200.
Finally, I’m willing to spend up to $400 for two tickets to listen to drummers, guitarists, a bassist and someone with a great voice at a concert at the Nutter Center, Fraze Pavillion, Rose Music Center or one of the myriad concert venues in the area.
I think it’s a much better gift list than the original gift list, and only comes in at $3,449.
Come to think of it, silver rings might be more holiday-esque than gold, and at half the price. Am I right?
Michael Kurtz is a Dayton Daily News reporter who covers the business community. Have a tip for him? Email him at michael.kurtz@coxinc.com.
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